“Gak semua orang yang kita tolong, bisa kita tolong. Cuma orang-orang yang ngulurin tangannya buat nyambut tangan kita aja yang bakalan tertolong.”
A friend of mine told me that last night. All denials inside me were so superior, and then I realized one thing: in the name of love, I do anything to save him. In the name of love, I finally see what’s more important, to love myself first before loving others.
Then he said,
“Ri, kamu terlalu banyak menghukum diri kamu sendiri. Being imperfect is very human.”
Did I? I didn’t even aware of this. I punished myself so hard for everything happened. I spend all nights by judging that I always do mistakes. So many unwanted anomalies happen in this life, and I judge myself as the one who take responsibilities. So many wickedness and sorrow, and I feel like I am the one who is able to perform miracles. As Coelho said in his book, “people perform miracles”, so I thought I can make it. But then I realized that I am not a god, or a prophet, or holy person. I should not play this ‘game of god’ by making people be righteous to their life.
Yes, people can perform miracles. But people have capacity and limitations. They may be someone’s savior; they may be someone’s motivation. But if they can’t make it, so that’s the point, the ‘miracle’ obviously doesn’t work. This cogitation has to be planted in every human’s state of mind. We can perform miracle, someday. To someone that wishing for it, to someone that appreciate it.
As I expected for long time, I do crave for someone who can save me from ‘harmful circumstances’ that was already made by people around me, the circumstances that was exactly made by me. Instead of spreading kindness to others, do I have to perform miracles to myself first?
“Sadari. Kamu bahkan gak punya keistimewaan apa-apa untuk dipertahankan. Introspeksi. Bagaimana orang-orang dengan mudahnya meninggalkan kamu dan setelah lama kamu akan menyadari bahwa rasa sakit itu hanya kamu sendiri yang merasakannya.”
My mom ever told me this when she read papers clinging on my room’s wall. Those papers are my motivation to move on. When I open my eyes every morning after having a long night dreaming, I habituate myself to see what’s written on the wall and get up. I mean, get up get up.
If there were no one can boost your mood up, if there were no one can be your motivation to move on, so hell, cry your heart out but keep moving on. Don’t count your steps; at least you can go a centimeter further from your previous place.
But, was that so easy to leave after all? I do thinking all days. I do analyzing what happened. But then Mommy slapped me real hard by saying: “kamu itu egois.” I can see what’s inside me but why everybody around me can easily notice what’s wrong in me? The approach of spirituality was burdened me or I, myself, who made a barrier between me and myself? Too many questions lie in my head and I just can’t get these out.
“Pertanyaanmu tentang Tuhan, berujung pada penyangkalan terhadap kehadiran-Nya.”
God exists. God’s everywhere. He never hides, we hide him. I am neither an atheist nor bigot, but I do have so many questions to be answered. Why do I feel so confuse and gloomy every day? Why do I love Universe more than Him? Why does He examine me by these clumsy rhythms of life? Am I special?
“Kamu bahkan tidak mau mendekati-Nya.”
Everybody is so special by their own explanations. But I don’t feel that I am special in anything. If God doesn’t answer my questions, then maybe He has His own way to show me. By making encounters and farewells, by making happiness and sadness. I do believe that God exists in every single blink of my eyes, in every corner of a troubled heart. But I don’t aware that. That’s why Mom explicitly told me that I don’t even try to notice His helping-hand. That’s the answer of why I do feel troubled all the time.
“Gak ada satupun yang berani untuk membantumu jika kamu membuat hatimu sekeras batu. Bahkan Tuhan-pun enggan membantumu jika kamu sama sekali tidak mengingat bahwa sebenarnya Dia itu ada. Maka, apa salahnya dengan melunakkan sedikit hatimu dan biarkan Tuhan memberikan kehangatan-Nya untukmu? Dia itu ada, jauh berada di dasar pemikiranmu. Sudah saatnya kamu menggali lagi dan coba tetapkan Dia sebagai satu-satunya kuasa yang absolut, yang bisa membuatmu yakin bahwa hidupmu lebih berharga dari yang selama ini kamu pikirkan.”
If the searching of the meaning of life could bring me this far, I could be small-minded. I could be a slow-witted person ever. Back to the top, if I can create a miracle for others, why can’t I create a miracle for myself? I don’t care if the miracles succeed or not, at least I have tried my best.
“Saya percaya kamu bisa. Saya tunggu sampai kamu mampu membuktikannya.”
Dad told me that. With all the limitations I have, he waited for me so long, and finally I can prove him that I am capable to make my words.
I don’t want to make any promises anymore to anybody. I am afraid if I can’t make it. Too many promises I made, and I just can’t get understand why I expect others to do the same. I am afraid of being disappointed, by the promises they made. Prove me wrong if I can’t keep any of these statements.
And all these gloomy feelings will spin forever; it is going to revolve to its navel, but in the exact moments I will find another state of happiness. I am just human, after being a robot for a long time. By all the tears flow and the smiles unfurl, I conclude that my life runs dynamically as a wave, ups and downs. I gratify the entire universe in making this peaceful conclusion. Because of it, my head is always filled by the questions of life and the existence of God. I also thank the comrades of God, by seeing me as a precious person, not a pathetic one.
Behind The Window I see... (Elemental Gaze)
Sunday, July 3rd 2011. Elemental Gaze: Let Me Erase You album.