Monday, May 30

Falsehood versus Honesty: Counterfeit versus Reality

Malam.. Jam LED di meja riasku menunjukkan pukul 03:03, dan awal hari pertama di minggu terakhir bulan ini berjalan sangat apik. Malam ini serta malam-malam sebelumnya, tak pernah ada tanda-tanda bahwa kantuk bisa diatasi hanya dengan mata yang tertutup rapat serta sunyi senyap. Buktinya, sampai detik dimana kemarin aku bisa terlelap adalah dengan pengaruh obat tidur berdosis tinggi. Entah mulai kapan aku terbiasa mengkonsumsi obat tidur, namun ada satu hal yang bisa menjadi alasan: ketika jiwa kita masih tetap terjaga, selelah apapun ia, tidur tidak akan pernah bisa menjadi obat yang bisa menuntaskan segala permasalahannya. Semenjak obat tidur menjadi teman setia ketika aku mengalami insomnia, maka sejak itu pula tidurku tak pernah lagi dihinggapi mimpi. Once, someone told me that tracing a dream is a gift. At least, dalam mimpi, semua hal bisa kamu lakukan. The question is, jika memang benar dalam mimpi semua hal bisa aku lakukan, lalu apa gunanya aku terbangun lagi? Lebih baik hidup dalam mimpi dan terus bermimpi. The conclusion is, semua yang kamu jalani itu, akan dibatasi oleh satu hal: realita. Maka kamu akan sulit untuk membedakan mana yang palsu dan mana yang nyata.
                Then, dalam rangka menunggu kantuk, aku mencoba untuk membahas satu hal yang sebenarnya tidak terlalu penting, namun setiap kali teringat satu kata ini, aku selalu merasa bahwa “yes, maybe it’s unimportant. But, unimportant to say doesn’t mean important to ignore.” Setiap teringat satu kata ini, aku selalu yakin bahwa di setiap kata yang aku, atau kamu ucapkan, terdapat satu atau dua kata hasil dari proses pemikiran berlebih, seakan-akan agar terkesan natural namun hasilnya terlalu sempurna. Ya, kebohongan.

Monday, May 23

A Letter to D

Hello, Dear you. How's your day, today? It's raining outside, and still raining inside. Anyway, I got it, finally. I mean, your decision to broke us up. Somebody told me, and it was not so important to know who he / she is.

Hey, D. All your explanation were so clear, and I could sum up all of your feelings about me. Please don't say that I'm a subjective person, because I only can figure this out by my perspective. Remember, you don't say anything to me directly. You don't even want to see me again. :)

Then, here we go..

First of all, I want to say thank you so much for these two months and the other months we've spent together. All the stories, all the feelings, all the expressions, all the hang-outs, all those brainstorming chit-chats about everything. I recorded it successfully. And ah! your scent! I'll never forget your scent. You know what it means. :)

See, D. Finally you know what are my weaknesses and sickness. I used to say that nobody could understand a puzzle like me, nobody could see anything inside me. Then, I will not say anything again about this, because I'll let other people discover it.
I don't want to give you explanation or ask you for second chance, because I already knew that your decision is final. Period. :D Anyhow, all these feelings run inside me is still the same, and I couldn't figure it out yet how to make it disappear.

D, did you know something? That somebody can't be perfect? I feel that in front of you, I can be someone who is really me. I can express all my thoughts, my sickness, my feelings, my theories, my expectations, my hopes, my dreams, and myself. I used to think that because of you, I can be me. And thanks for that, because nobody accepted me as you are before.

Then, at last you complained about my rudeness and egocentric thinking. That's your only reason, right? I just wanted you to know that, beyond all these misconception and misunderstanding circumstances, I care about you. Maybe too much. Maybe too excessive. Maybe I exaggeratedly acted. (that's all inside your heart and brain, though. I only could conclude it.)

D, don't you think that I was trying? I pulled out myself for two days, just to make you focus on your work. I didn't want to disturb you by making any silly and unimportant questions. I tried to be so patient, because I know your life is so hard to live. I tried to understand that when I made a decision to commit with you, I have to take you as who you are.

I worried about you too much. I knew you sick, I knew you tired doing those things, I knew it. Egoistically, I thought that by having me beside you would reduce all your fatigues. by having me beside you would make you so in peace. Then it all went wrong. My speculations about these were wrong.
And yes, you are such a complicated puzzle. In the end I can't solve you at all, and that's all fine. Though I've never succeeded before in solving puzzles. By knowing that you cut us off, I already knew that the puzzle can't be resolved anymore. :)

I know now how you feel about me. I made you lose it all, didn't I? :)

Damar, Niko, or whoever you are read this. I hope you all fine there. I hope your smile shine everyday. You said that you are going to reschedule everything. Please be scheduled, that's for your own good. (Remember how you said, "that's okay, Sa. I appreciate your opinion. it's important."). Then, don't forget to take your breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Don't drink too much, too. You are the one who felt how it hurt when you sick. If you think life this rough, so be strong. Stay strong, I know you can do it. Live it as well as you can be, not others expect you to be.

Hey D, lastly, I want to say sorry for what I've done to you. I didn't mean to hurt you, I didn't think that I acted so wrong. Some people say, if we don't get lose our precious things or people, we can't see how important they are.

See, I won't die in regret, not because I don't admit my mistakes, but I don't regret I met you. you taught me so much about how the stars shine, what's behind the galaxy, how to see the world in different insight, and you finally taught me not to be so egoist. Sorry, and thank you. Thank you for everything.
I'm gonna miss your smile. and scent. haha (sorry, I can't stop saying that) :)


Wednesday, May 18

Depression is all about...

The worst thing about depression is when you realize you don’t know how to smile for real anymore.
It’s the fake laughter.
It’s always being in physical pain for no reason.
It’s being tired. All the time.
It’s lying awake for hours with your mind racing.
It’s the phrase “I just don’t care.”
It’s boredom but you don’t want to do anything.
It’s feeling trapped.
It’s not knowing what you’re feeling but knowing that it hurts.
It’s the moment when you realize nothing matters anymore.
It’s going through life like a robot, an observer, not a participant.
It’s being numb.
It’s the first time you pray to die.
It’s when you wake up each morning.
It’s when you plan your own death.
It’s the guilt you feel because you “have no right” to be depressed.
It’s wanting other people to notice and care but not caring enough yourself to ask for help.
It’s looking into the future and seeing nothing.

source: here.

Friday, May 6

For All The Dreams That Wings Could Fly

If I could find a words of you alone
the beauty inside you..
and what i’ve been expected of you alone
as real as it can be

        the river of feels
        the call of your voice
        it’s inside of me..
        the shine of your eyes
        the call of your touch
        you’re inside of me..

the more of you remain in this hollow place..
until the more of you reveal
and no one cannot see this because behind my face
is it as real as life could be..
you are inside of me
you are behind my fear..

The Milo, For All The Dreams That Wings Could Fly (Versus)

Thursday, May 5

A Turning Point: A Static Rhyme of Life

It’s the second time I pound on my netbook. It doesn’t work properly, and I am annoyed. But now I really do my best, in straighten up my current mood. Frankly speaking, I am in a very stagnant state of mind. I really am. I feel unbalance. Sighing and sighing, exhaling in deep. Why do I have to live the life, I mean, on every phase of life? Especially this, the most boring circumstance in life?
Really, it’s not about I am willing to die, or any reason related to end up life by cutting off the fate. It’s also, not about I am unable expressing gratitude to God. It is just too quiet. I mean, life was never so flat like this. No excitement. No tension.
Then I confess, I get bored on everything. My daily routines are too static. It gets me nowhere, I mean it. I go to campus, read some literatures in the library. Then go get meals, then lose appetite on everything I eat. Then go back to a house that is not mine. Then go sleeping. And I do it again and again and again, everyday, in routine.
Every tasty food I ate, every detail on fabric I touched, every color I saw, every scent I smell, and every laughter and tears I made every day, all dreary. And I’ve never wanted to experience this tedious situation, neither had I wished to God. I am now, less of everything.
Back to one and a half year ago, this situation was ever happened to me. And I think Oh my Holy God, it’s really happening again! I was just fucked up and tired of being hanging on the wheel every day. And now, been days I am in that current situation. Once again, the time pulled me back to those solitude days.
Is it just a mental disorder? Does everybody out there often feeling the same?