Tuesday, July 21


It's the moment when you totally can't think positively. The only moment I said that I can't. I'm fully aware that maybe one day when he finally says that we're done, I am the one who can't face it, and I have to struggle one more time to get back up again with wounded heart.
I just can't. Not this time. He's everything to me and I just can't lose him.

Monday, July 20

Salted Wound

Don't let thoughts get in the way
Feel the fear and go in anyway
Take a chance ignoring what you know
Take her hand and don't let go

And you can do it, don't break. Yeah, you'll pull through it, you're safe
And you can do it, don't break.  Yeah,you'll pull through it, you're safe

Tell her all of how you feel,
Give her everything she needs to hear.

Give your heart a second chance, and she will see that you're a good man.
And you can do it, don't break.  Yeah, you'll pull through it, you're safe.

Saturday, July 18

Friday, July 17

A Hateful Man

Hello again!
Can't believe I write four times in two days row here. It's maybe just because I can't talk to anybody than you, my dearest friend. It's 5 years now you listened to my story and I know you'll never be bored. Even I'm getting older, me is still me. And you know me very well.

So as you know…
I am in love with the most hateful person in the world. Not because he hates people, no. He's the kindest, cheerful funny man who once treated the world as his most favorite game he'd always love to conquer. He never had a single shitty thought about anybody. When he dislikes something, it's never personal. He also never hates anyone so deeply he could play God by planning revenges. He's the easiest person I've ever met. At least that's what I see him on the surface.

Did you know, that I learned so much from him? Well maybe he was the first person who taught me how to give myself self-respect, and by giving me an endless support for my dreams. Ah, dreams! You know how much I didn't like to share any of my dreams! It was because I didn't believe how people would see that as big as I do. And this person, miraculously, understand what I am into.

So… He never hates people rather than he heated himself. For not being good enough for himself and people around him. Sometimes he hates how natural it is to make mistakes, how fine it is to disappoint people. He hates when the Earth finally touches the darkest side, so that he can't provide any lights for us. Because that's what he always does. Because that's who he is.

When I keep reminding him that there'll be so many problems (yes I'm quite sure that I can be one of those, maybe the biggest of them all), and nothing he can't defeat. He's so strong and I know that without any further explanation why me believing that -- it's just because he proved he could do that million times. He's modern achilles and he's also mine.

God I love him so much. Simple because for being a human.

It's not the first time when he decided to pull himself out of the world, including me. He sometimes takes the momentum when I am pissed or he pissed so much he couldn't handle. He, then, became the stranger in our relationship, leaving me no clue or any pint-points where the hell do I have to begin (or finish)? He's just maybe, simply being a human with his own fucked-up mind, endless problems, (in any other things that maybe God and himself who know.

It's just temporary, isn't it?
Or…. is the time finally up?

Well I don't have a clue either.

Dear friend, you know that I never made limitation for any of my relationships. I wanted them to be long lasting, never ending bittersweet story to be told to my grand children. Maybe I'm that old. I can't be a girl who play around and fall for another. I don't want any of my relationships hit the expiration button, but…

You know,
I was wrong. I am wrong.

Anything has never been set to FOREVER. Anything has its own expiration button, now or later. Visible or not.

But if I could have a wish…
This man right here I've told you… Maybe I interpreted him wrong, but I don't care. I hope he finally gets that life will never pick favorites; everybody gets happiness and sadness equally. So at least he could hate himself less, day by day.


I wanted to call him. Just to see how he was doing. But I can't do that.

You can't just talk to someone who held your heart in their palm and pretend it never happened.

I wanted to ask why it was so hard to get over him. I wanted to know if he felt pain like knives in his sides like I did. I wanted to know if he ever felt lonely when he listened to music, or if things reminded him of the memories we made.

I wanted to say that I couldn't remember the sound of him saying my name anymore and sometimes that scared me but I knew it was important, and that our last kiss wasn't anything like in the movies, that it was so brief the wind had swept it away before I'd had a chance to commit it to memory. I wanted to explain how now I'd forgotten everything apart from the way he made me feel, like I could do anything, like love wasn't just for perfect people, like love could also be for me.

So my God...
I wanted to call him, but instead I sat on the floor and drank shots like they were tea. To be honest I don't know if I still loved him, but then I suppose you have to love someone to miss them like that; like hell, like absolute-fucking hell.


Thursday, July 16

The Drug

Everyone always asks me if I do drugs. I always say no, but lately I've realized that I do.

It's you.

And you're the most addictive of them all. I think that I'm over it...

But then a song plays or a memory comes and then you relapse. You build up these walls and you don't let anyone in. This drugs makes you forget about the world, I guess that's why I do it. You feel something that you can't feel with anything else.

So, when someone asks if I've done drugs, I'll say yes.

You're my drug and I've relapsed yet again, and again, and again.

How am I supposed to live without you? Quitting you isn't as easy as it seems.

Wednesday, July 15

Traveled Through Time

I've traveled through my own blog here, not because feeling nostalgic. I just wanted to know to handle a situation...

It's not the first time, yet it's never been familiar. I can't get used to it because it's always new.

I hate to know that over time, I never changed. My erratic emotions and bad mouth always hurt people around me. I hate to know that I may lose people who love me with all their hearts because of what I do to them.

I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
If only I could see you right now,
If only I could make it right again,
If only you could give me one more chance..
I want to make everything like we used to.

Having the idea of losing you never come across my mind, because I don't want to lose you.