Friday, August 21

Verba Vivere

Nihil pretiosi facile capitur.
I do have faith, you know. To something that is leading. To something that's real. To something that is whispering.

"Come. This way. Come. This way."

In spite of the fact that not once, not twice I keep doubt it, but it will always lead me back to the track.
Well have you ever lost something -- and you're afraid of not finding another to replace what's lost? I live the exact life like that. I have the fear of losing that hasn't built in a day, that is gained with all my efforts, relentlessly, everyday. And by replacing it with a new one is just the same as I start over from the very beginning…. Not that I don't want to, but I think that my time to rebuild is no longer as much as yesterday.

My fear for the loss of all things may be associated with my accomplishments so far, because I have not got it. At least, yet. Or maybe I just stand my ground and keep believing all the tales I've created with my own mind, when the reality says no, I refuse to listen.

It somehow hits me, what if I just live an ordinary life… Not by questioning everything, no second-guessing anything that's brought to me. I just needed to see that as an opportunity, not something to be piled up and chose whenever the other options come up. Maybe I just think too much, or just maybe I don't want 'the other options'? What if, I just walk in my path, not by my own choice?

Maybe life will be much easier.

I'm not talking about giving up.

It's just me talking to myself, what if. what if. what if.

You know,
I have faith for long time. I lost it many years ago and it's restored somehow.
But what if, the faith is just my mind trick? it is just a fairy tale that my mind created? Because you see, sometimes it is more deadly because you are unable to see reality.
Nihil pretiosi facile capitur.
If it's only my mind tricked me this bad so I want it over. Everything should be over. Anything I own has to be gone. I want to end this. Because they are linked to each other inside me, making a powerful bond that strengthens me. If I have to lose one, then I'll lose everything. So what's the point of turning back to zero if my mind is the strongest memento? You can't just walk over something you've seen in the past without feeling anything, right?

If I lose everything, in conclusion, my world will collapse.

My faith has taken me this far. Thus, I still doubt my own guts. I've taken my freewill pill, that's bitter enough, and I don't intend to swallow more. If then it's worth to fight for, then it should be a bad-ass life, a life that I've never experienced before.
They say, "Nihil pretiosi facile capitur." --- Nothing worth having comes easily.
So the result has to be majestic, very decent kind of life.

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