Monday, May 23

A Letter to D

Hello, Dear you. How's your day, today? It's raining outside, and still raining inside. Anyway, I got it, finally. I mean, your decision to broke us up. Somebody told me, and it was not so important to know who he / she is.

Hey, D. All your explanation were so clear, and I could sum up all of your feelings about me. Please don't say that I'm a subjective person, because I only can figure this out by my perspective. Remember, you don't say anything to me directly. You don't even want to see me again. :)

Then, here we go..

First of all, I want to say thank you so much for these two months and the other months we've spent together. All the stories, all the feelings, all the expressions, all the hang-outs, all those brainstorming chit-chats about everything. I recorded it successfully. And ah! your scent! I'll never forget your scent. You know what it means. :)

See, D. Finally you know what are my weaknesses and sickness. I used to say that nobody could understand a puzzle like me, nobody could see anything inside me. Then, I will not say anything again about this, because I'll let other people discover it.
I don't want to give you explanation or ask you for second chance, because I already knew that your decision is final. Period. :D Anyhow, all these feelings run inside me is still the same, and I couldn't figure it out yet how to make it disappear.

D, did you know something? That somebody can't be perfect? I feel that in front of you, I can be someone who is really me. I can express all my thoughts, my sickness, my feelings, my theories, my expectations, my hopes, my dreams, and myself. I used to think that because of you, I can be me. And thanks for that, because nobody accepted me as you are before.

Then, at last you complained about my rudeness and egocentric thinking. That's your only reason, right? I just wanted you to know that, beyond all these misconception and misunderstanding circumstances, I care about you. Maybe too much. Maybe too excessive. Maybe I exaggeratedly acted. (that's all inside your heart and brain, though. I only could conclude it.)

D, don't you think that I was trying? I pulled out myself for two days, just to make you focus on your work. I didn't want to disturb you by making any silly and unimportant questions. I tried to be so patient, because I know your life is so hard to live. I tried to understand that when I made a decision to commit with you, I have to take you as who you are.

I worried about you too much. I knew you sick, I knew you tired doing those things, I knew it. Egoistically, I thought that by having me beside you would reduce all your fatigues. by having me beside you would make you so in peace. Then it all went wrong. My speculations about these were wrong.
And yes, you are such a complicated puzzle. In the end I can't solve you at all, and that's all fine. Though I've never succeeded before in solving puzzles. By knowing that you cut us off, I already knew that the puzzle can't be resolved anymore. :)

I know now how you feel about me. I made you lose it all, didn't I? :)

Damar, Niko, or whoever you are read this. I hope you all fine there. I hope your smile shine everyday. You said that you are going to reschedule everything. Please be scheduled, that's for your own good. (Remember how you said, "that's okay, Sa. I appreciate your opinion. it's important."). Then, don't forget to take your breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Don't drink too much, too. You are the one who felt how it hurt when you sick. If you think life this rough, so be strong. Stay strong, I know you can do it. Live it as well as you can be, not others expect you to be.

Hey D, lastly, I want to say sorry for what I've done to you. I didn't mean to hurt you, I didn't think that I acted so wrong. Some people say, if we don't get lose our precious things or people, we can't see how important they are.

See, I won't die in regret, not because I don't admit my mistakes, but I don't regret I met you. you taught me so much about how the stars shine, what's behind the galaxy, how to see the world in different insight, and you finally taught me not to be so egoist. Sorry, and thank you. Thank you for everything.
I'm gonna miss your smile. and scent. haha (sorry, I can't stop saying that) :)


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