A Lesson [Never] Learned

Hi folks!

(Look how an introverted person talks to her imaginary friend)

Today is Sunday. Supposed to be the day full of sunbeam and such, I think. But not today and the other day and the other day before the other day, and nine days before today. Somebody says that the weather will be like this until February. I'm sick of rainy days and the gloomy effect it causes. I don't know, maybe I'm not in the good mood or my mood board is ruined by a single stupid, silly mistake.

I'm sorry for dragging you into this, folks.

I guess I've never learned a lesson.

which is…

stop being a control freak.

I have a huge huge huge talks with three friends yesterday in three different places, and I couldn't hold back my tears listening to their wise words. --- or maybe because I'm so fucked up so everything goes poetically wise? Again, I don't know.

A friend named X told me that,

"it's not entirely your fault to be a control freak. you're the oldest kid in the house and you need everything goes perfect -- or you'll be damned if it isn't. I mean, the first child has a responsibility toward his / her younger siblings. They tend to protect, caring, and (shit!) worrying. And sometimes it's too much. The eldest, also, tends to think that it's their faults if everything goes wrong."

But you know what, I even feel so damn tired being like that. I want to be less care, less protective, less in everything. Especially when my over-controlling behavior hurts someone so bad.

Though I have never learned anything at all. I lost people I loved because I was an over-controlling bitch.

And another friend of mine named O told me that,

"Your whining time is over. Now think about what your life is gonna be and what will you do with it. You may be hurt somebody, you ask for forgiveness, and if it's not granted, maybe he / she is not ready to accept your 'mistake' as 'a mistake'. Get over it, and be someone who sees a mistake is a mistake. Learn your lesson, and if you want to cry, cry now. Don't cry over months to ask someone to get back to you if he doesn't want it. Please, I'm begging you. This is the very last time you cry!" (Yes, he begged while I was sobbing).

I hate the process. I mean, once I've been thru this and the lesson never learned at all. Though maybe I'm not leveling up. I hate how I have to walk with head full of regrets and sorry, and words that have never been spoken (nicely). I hate being me sometimes.

And another (cute and pretty) friend of mine told me that,

"It's not easy to let go people who don't want you anymore. But you can't be cruel to them, by not letting them go. And also cruel to you, 'cause you follow your ego. I know it isn't easy, it isn't as smooth as I say this. You'll cry in you bed every night, wishing upon nothing that he will stay."

I've been thru a moment like this. I cried a lot, and was being a miserably skinny, self-tortured bitch. I was in that phase.

That's because I have never learned my lesson.